Introduction

 This paper is intended to introduce you to the counseling method I use. It is the one that makes the most sense to me in my own life and it comes from my study of Relational Psychotherapies, Attachment Theories, the work of Marshall Rosenberg, and Buddhist philosophy. I have found these approaches to be enormously beneficial to me personally while going through tough times. They drive home the idea that it is our relationship to ourselves that eventually determines our ability to handle life’s many challenges.

 

You’re Not Alone…

Emotional distress can call forth our earliest experiences of vulnerability, and to times when we seemed quite helpless and alone in the face of overwhelming odds.

       Often such experiences become associated with a sense of personal failure. That is, we may have learned to pair our insecurities with self-blame. We know that young children, after the death of a parent, sometimes attribute the parent’s absence to themselves having been, “not good enough”. Tragically, this may be the only sense they can make of feelings stemming from profound loss.   Many of us carry negative assumptions about feelings that can arise during the rough patches of our formative years.

       The truth is, what you are going through is very similar to what a lot of people have struggled with, are struggling with, and will continue to struggle with. Yet for you, this struggle can become a very important and positive turning point in your life. There are benefits to be found in the very problem that brings you to this office.

 

The Goals Of Our Work Together

 

             It’s not what we are feeling that’s important but how we relate to

             it that matters.

                                                                                       --- Mark Epstein MD                                                                                   

            A fundamental task of therapy is to acquire an interest, appreciation and new meaning for the emotional energies that stir within you, as well as to learn new responses to their presence. Emotions are the driving force in our pursuit of that which we need to survive, both psychologically and physically. They signal the degree to which we are succeeding or failing at getting our basic needs met.

            The happiness we seek, the home we long for, and the moments of peace and contentment for which we are often starving, will be found when we more thoroughly understand the emotions that constantly fuel our thoughts and actions. Further, this understanding must be steeped in values that are far friendlier toward the human condition than anything many of us have previously known. It is in the development of those values, as well as the ability to internalize and experience them in relation to our own emotions and needs, that we finally come home to a deep sense of well-being.

 

My role is to help you recognize your emotions, and the ways you typically react to them, and to help you learn new ways of responding to their presence.

 

            (For simplicity I will be using the words emotions and feelings, interchangeably.)

 

 

Tell the Story 

 

          For a moment, consider the situation that is troubling you as if it were a story, and as such, just one of many stories that have unfolded throughout your lifetime. For example, there are stories we carry within us about events from childhood, like one which might describe a camping trip your family made to a national park or a time you decided to skip a day of school to hang out with friends. 

How might you be thinking about your current situation in ways that resemble aspects of a story?  For example, imagine you are sitting in the seat of a passenger jet, with a two-hour trip ahead of you, and, after some polite verbal exchanges with the friendly new person sitting next to you, he or she asks, “So, how are you today?”

            You don’t blurt out everything at once, but after testing the conversational waters, you find yourself beginning to talk about your current dilemma.

 

Here are some simple examples of opening storylines:

 

“I am having some second thoughts about this new relationship I am in… This guy isn’t who I thought he was. I am not sure what to do.”

“Boy, my son is driving me crazy. It’s like ever since he turned thirteen he became an alien from another planet.”

“Well, I guess I have a bad case of what they call, ‘unrequited love’. I just can’t stop thinking about this person. I feel so needy”

“Man, I am trying to figure out what to do with this jerk at work. He is making my life miserable.”

 

        Maybe these examples seem puny compared to what you are going through. What is important for now is that you think about what you are experiencing as something that can be put in words that sound somewhat like a story.

 

        Take a moment now to write down the situation you are facing as if you are telling a story to an interested listener.

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​​​​​​Stories Help to Organize Our Thinking

 

            Stories organize our thinking and help us make sense of the challenges being faced. There is a beginning, a middle, and hopefully, but not always, a satisfying conclusion. Not unlike a medical diagnosis, a story seems to locate the cause of a problem and offers direction in our efforts to solve it. When shared, our stories are also meant to elicit at least some interest as well as understanding from our audience. We take comfort from the knowledge that our story makes sense to someone else. In the first example above, the problem for this person might seem to be her uncertainty about the new guy she had been seeing, and the solution may have something to do with determining whether or not his personality suits her. Hopefully, the listener conveys interest and some degree of comprehension as her story unfolds.

       Take another moment to notice the problem and solution in the account you have written. While it is usually fairly simple to define the problem, determining the solution is usually where we are stuck.  We are likely feeling unfinished and frustrated. 

       In answer to this frustration, we may go to the bookstore and buy books with such titles as, “How to Know if (S)He is Right For You,” and, “How to Be a Better Parent to Your Teen.” While these books often provide useful perspectives on the topic, many people continue to experience the same uncertainties and frustrations even after implementing the suggestions offered.  What is often missing is a deeper understanding of the feelings we have in response to the problem.

 

Stories Include Emotions, Often Unrecognized and Unaccepted

 

       Our most challenging stories are almost always about difficulties we find in our relationships with other people. They usually have to do with who and what needs to change, and when and how they should. Yet often what is unrecognized, and for the most part remains hidden, are the more quiet, almost whispered stories we are telling ourselves about our own, ongoing emotional experiences.

       While it would seem that there isn’t much that hasn’t already been written about emotions, consider this for a minute: what I am talking about is your relationship to your emotions. And I mean real emotions, not opinions (for example, “I feel like I am being selfish!” is an opinion about oneself). In contrast, emotions are felt experience, such as sadness, fear, excitement, and anger. Most people have little understanding of what is meant by having a relationship to such feelings.

       The most common example I hear that depicts a person’s relationship to what they are feeling goes like this:

       Me: So, where are you today?

       Client: Well, I don’t really know.

       Me: What’s your internal climate like?

       Client: Oh, I just hate this feeling…

       Me: What is the feeling that you hate?

       Client: It’s like I am just feeling sorry for myself.

       Me: Are you feeling sad because of your break-up with     Brad?

       Client: Yes, I hate feeling this way.

       This client’s relationship to her own feelings of sadness is one of actively hating them. What she is unconsciously saying to the part of herself that is sad is, “I hate you,” and, “You’re just feeling sorry for yourself”. She probably wouldn’t talk to her dog like that, but it goes unnoticed when directed toward her own feeling state.

       

Powerful Emotions Accompany Our Earliest Struggles to Survive

 

There is life in us, strange life, beauty, and horror, and having someone who can help us become a better partner to ourselves makes a difference.  

                                                                                                Michael Eigen  

 

            At birth, before we have a chance to become much of anything else, we are very much alive with feelings and sensations. Those who study the neural structures of the brain tell us that the development of the emotional center in the brain precedes the acquisition of higher intellectual capacities.  Feelings/sensations are the human organism’s response to thousands of stimuli coming from the world “out there” as well as from workings inside our bodies. It may be said that it is this feeling experience that is at the heart of our sense of being alive.  How we learn to make sense of this experience is what later determines the quality of our lives.

            While we have the potential to feel innumerable sensations, the most important, initially, are those that signal distress or danger. The sensation of falling triggers the emotion of fear in infants, as do sudden, unfamiliar loud sounds. The lack of certain sensations can also trigger a more subtle type of fear in infants, the most important of which are associated with the need for the close physical presence of our most important caregivers. A child may starve for lack of touch, and as it is with the absence of food and water, the consequences are fatal. Some theorists refer to feelings associated with the absence of physical and emotional contact during those earliest months as, “primitive terror”, and, in more familiar terms, “abandonment panic”.

        Intense feelings such as terror are often triggered by the separation from and/or loss of a parent. Generally speaking, when survival fears are triggered, we experience intense painful emotions. When expressed, these emotions are the cues to caretakers to take fast, appropriate actions needed to ensure our safety. Surely, it is the attuned responsiveness of caregivers that soothes the child’s emotional distress and restores a sense of well-being.

 

Emotions Acquire Meaning

 

       Quite simply, the meaning we learn to give the full spectrum of feelings and emotions is largely dependent on the responses received from our primary caretakers, especially our mothers, because we are with them the most. Our mothers help us begin to make sense of our earliest experiences through their verbal and nonverbal responses to us.  We learn that the uncomfortable feeling in our stomach is called, “being hungry,” and, to the extent that food and mom’s goodwill are available, we learn that being hungry is not to be feared, but rather something that may signal the beginning of a pleasurable “good feed.” Similarly, when a child experiences the uncomfortable feeling of anxiousness, for whatever reason, the provision of sufficient reassurance, empathy and concern helps that child learn that their vulnerability warrants care and the genuine interest of those on whom he or she depends. Anxiousness may then take on a secondary meaning: “when I feel like this, help is on the way.”

        The primary emotions, such as fear, sadness, joy, and hurt may all take on secondary qualities, which reflect the environmental conditions present in our early years of development. Some emotions, like hurt or fear, when expressed by a little boy, may elicit a subtle look of disapproval from some caregivers. If this happens often, and/or at crucial times during development, such emotions may take on the secondary, negative connotation, such as, “these feelings mean I am unacceptable.”

       Compounding the injury to the boy’s sense of worth in this example is the dilemma he is now in whenever he is feeling vulnerable. That is, he is now in conflict with himself, in that he now has competing needs for reassurance. He must appear as if he doesn’t need the comfort, to insure that he is in good standing with his caregiver. Such “good standing” comes at the cost of never really getting the more basic needs for safety and comfort met. It is as if his need to feel valued by his parent outweighs the initial, spontaneous needs for secure, close connection. The need for approval now trumps the satisfaction of heartfelt and innocent dependency needs.

       The acquisition and internalization of meaning for emotional states occurs throughout the earliest formative years. We learn which emotions are likely to be met with acceptance, and which ones will not. Freud told us that different types of psychological defenses are unconsciously employed to help us shape our emotional experiences into thoughts and behaviors which are most likely to elicit a positive response from our caregivers. For example, some of us learn to deny or repress feelings which convey frustration or feelings of sadness when caregivers have already demonstrated impatience or indifference to such expression.

        Throughout our lives, emotions retain this secondary aspect of meaning. Once internalized, this instantaneous and unconscious evaluation forms the basis of what we might call our relationship to ourselves, that is, our relationship to that which is emotionally stirring and alive within us from moment to moment. In turn, this acquired meaning profoundly influences our behavior in relation to everything and everyone around us.

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 Developing New Understanding Through a Writing Practice

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       In addition to the time we spend together in the office, I will urge you to do some writing at home. This writing will consist of creating a dialog between two imaginary aspects of your- self.  Aspect “a” (use the lowercase initial of your first name) will be the one that is telling the story about the problem or concern that motivates you to seek counseling. Aspect “A” (capitalize the initial of your first name) will represent the listener to this story.

      Begin…

      Very simply, just put the pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, and write in as honest of a way as you can about this issue, without worrying about grammar or punctuation. Whatever those thoughts in your head may be, get them down on paper (again, as above, as if you are sharing the story with an interested listener). You may only write a few words or sentences, or perhaps you will fill a page or more.

       Pause….  

       There will come a moment when you pause to catch a breath, (usually after you have expressed a clear thought or two), and at that point it is time to actually respond in writing to what has just been written.    

       Respond… take interest in the feelings below the surface of the story.

       The aspect of yourself, “A”, that is to respond, is the one that will now begin the practice of developing genuine curiosity, interest, and attuned empathy (sensitivity) to the feelings which are embedded in the story. This second aspect does not give advice, console, offer encouragement or platitudes. The sole task for, “A”, is to seek an accurate understanding and clarification of the feeling elements of the story just put in print by “a”.  This may be described as, “compassionate inquiry”.

         How to express this kind of interest?

             Examples:

            “Are you feeling worried? (angry, scared, puzzled, etc.?)

            “Can you tell me more?”

            “And what’s that like?

 

          Repeat (listen to “a”, respond again as “A”, and maintain dialogue)

      

      Here is an example that contains the rudiments of this practice:

 

       Bill separated from his girlfriend a month ago. He has been feeling unresolved about whether or not this had been a good decision on his part. She had been the first woman he had felt close to in a long time. But they had been arguing for some time, and had finally both agreed to go their separate ways. While he has had no subsequent contact with her, he has just heard from an acquaintance that his ex has been seen at lunch with a new fellow. He is shocked by the news, and for several days has been in great distress, sleepless and is having difficulty concentrating at work. He decides to try the dialog practice suggested above.

 

b. I can’t believe this! What the hell is she doing? Who is this   guy? How could this be happening? I thought I was done with her. Why should this be bothering me so much? I need to see her. No, I shouldn’t. I don’t know what to do. Damn, I just hate this. My brain won’t shut up.

B. What are you feeling? Confused?

b. No, damn it!!! Freaking exasperated!!! I can’t sleep… I just keep thinking about her.

B. Exasperated… you can’t figure out why this bothers you so much…?

b. This writing isn’t going to help. It’s stupid, I am just talking to myself. This is pointless.

B. Feeling angry? Like this won’t help?

b. Yes, damn it!

B. What is the feeling there, if this doesn’t help?

b. I am freaking hurt. I thought I was more important to her. She moved on so fast!

B. Hurt, like you don’t matter? Say more, like what that’s like… not to matter.

b. Oh, f*** off!

B. You’re really pissed.

b. I hate this stuff.

B. What’s this feeling you hate?

b. It’s like… I’m little, and lost, and nobody is coming to find me…

B. Feels really alone, sad, too?

b. Yeah, really sad…. and really lonely.

B. Lonely. Like completely alone?

b. Yeah. Like I will always be this way, too.

B. What’s the feeling that goes with this?

b. Hopeless.

B. Like hopeless that nobody will ever come for you?

b. Yeah. I keep waiting.

B. You have been waiting for someone  for a long time?

b. Yeah.

B. What are you feeling now?

b. Tired. Finally feel ready to take a nap.

B. I will keep being here for you…

 

In this example, several very important things are taking place:

 

1.  Bill is expressing, and externalizing thoughts and feelings. He’s venting and “getting his emotions out”.

2.  He now has a chance to respond to something concrete and tangible “out there” (that which he has just written on paper). Thoughts are not just swimming in his head.

3.  He is now in the process of developing a dialogue with feeling aspects of himself, in the present moment.

4.  He is developing the skill (capacity) to form a truly supportive relationship with the feeling aspects of himself (that which is most alive in him).

5.  He is establishing a caring connection to his emotions of distress. He is making sense of what he is feeling, and this brings some comfort, which in turn allows him to finally settle down and rest.

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The Dialogue Model for Your Writing

 

            The dialogue between (imaginary) “a” and “A” is one in which “A” asks questions and responds to the emotional experience of “a” with a sustained attitude of what might be called, “compassionate curiosity”. It cannot be overemphasized that the attitude must be one of kindness and acceptance. This is an attitude that takes practice to develop. It is not a “happy-face”, general attitude that is worn like a mask, but a response that is engaged with the specific emotions of the given moment.  The practice is one of identifying and exploring the emotional experience. This is the crux of the work of becoming connected with the essence of what is truly alive in you.

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Here is another example:

       

            Shawna, a 34 year-old high school teacher, has just received word that there is a possibility she will not be re-hired for the coming school year. While a number of her colleagues in the school district also received “pink slips”, this news hits her especially hard, and triggers feelings of panic as well as doubts about her teaching abilities. On her drive to school this morning, she is crying, fears she is too upset to teach, and that she might “fall apart” in front of her students. She decides that she will write in journal for a few minutes in a nearby, empty mall parking lot.

 

s. This really sucks. I am an emotional basket case. I can’t teach like this. I might as well just quit now. These damn administrators are so high and mighty. They treat us like shit. But hell, maybe I’ve really fallen short. Maybe I am just not cut out for this. How am I gonna pay the freaking bills now? What about my daughter’s tuition? It just feels like everything is falling apart!

S. You’re feeling… scared?

s. Damn straight! And more like, destroyed. I can’t do this!

S. Not sure you can go on?

s. Yeah, and I have to go stand up in front of my students and talk about the freaking constitution. I am shaking too much to pull that off.

S. Have to teach, but so overwhelmed… seems impossible…

s. Exactly. Like the carpet has been pulled out from under me and I am falling flat on my face.

S. Seems like there’s no way?

s. Yeah, and even if I do go, my eyes are all swollen and my face is red and puffy now.

S. You worry they will think less of you?

s. Yeah, they will think I’m a flake, and some already do.

S. You worry you won’t have any credibility with them?

s. Yeah, well, I know I have some credibility…

S. You have a little credibility established by now…

s. Yeah. Oh hell, I can do this. Bring it on.

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                                                 Summary

 

            Thousands of studies have been done to determine the relative effectiveness of different approaches to counseling and psychotherapy. The general consensus of those that survey these studies is that it is the relationship between the client and caregiver that makes the difference between favorable and less than favorable outcomes. It has been said, “It is the relationship that heals”. Actual characteristics of that relationship have been subject to much speculation, debate and further study. However, many conclude that it comes down to a kind of intuitive rapport that is shared between the client and counselor. There is something positive and hopeful that springs from their shared experience during sessions.

            The implication for me is that it is the internalization of such a therapeutic rapport that benefits us. That is, we acquire a new way of being in “rapport” with ourselves. For me, it is based on an understanding of emotions as expressions basic human life-serving needs. 

            What I have described above is how we may have internalized less than helpful beliefs about our ongoing emotional reactions to difficult life circumstances.  When emotions and their inherent needs weren’t met, we acquired the wrong ideas about them and ourselves.

            In our work to together I will encourage you to better understand your relationship to that which is the core, alive nature of your being, and how to partner with it in a way that benefits you in your relationships with others.